A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had
been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and
after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your
name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his
name is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her. On
her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your
name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.
The lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says.
The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell
him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean.
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Ole and Sven were watchin TV when Evil Knevil tried to jump the
Grand Canyon. Ole bursts out and says " I tink I can jump tree
Combines with my John Deere tractor!"
"ya tink?" asks Sven...
"Ooh Yea I tink I can!" says Ole...
Well, word went out all over the county, and everyone pitched in to
help build the big ramp.
Finaly the day arrived: There was Ole on his John Deere "B" tracter.
One proud Svede on top of the hill.
Sven Yells "GO OLE, GO!"
Here comes Ole, and I tell ya, he had the John Deere tracter a
popin' Down he comes and fly's across that ramp,,, Clears the first
Combine, then, Clears the second Combine,, and then crashes into the
third Combine with a terrible racket!!! They all come runnin to his
rescue, ya know!!
Sven franticly asks "You alright, you alright?"
"Ya I'm OK..." answers Ole "did I make it?" asks Ole...
"Na, you didn't make" says Sven...
They just look at each other for a moment, Ole asks "Whatcha tink we
oughta do next time?"
Sven replies "i'm not shure, but maybe ya need to lift the plow up."
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Swiss Army Knives, watches, you name, they got it
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$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys." I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
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*Office Pranks for the Summer*
(I take no responsibility for the outcome of any of these. You're on your own.)
1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "You're an idiot." They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.
3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it, sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit.
4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge.
Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
6. This is for that special person you just can't stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal email all day. Go into their email and change their defaults to automatically blind copy their boss. Heads will roll.
7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf. Wait about three weeks and switch to espresso.
8. Try password securing someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to scrolling marquee and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats beans" or something to that effect.
9. Pop out the "m" and "n" key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
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SIRIUS... The Best radio on radio.
Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/ykww5vj
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Stephanie, a young blonde was taking her first airplane flight. About one hour into the flight the pilot announced over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen minutes late arriving."
Stephanie, continued to read her "Glamour"
magazine. About 30 miniutes later the pilot came on the intercom again and said, "There is a second engine out, we will be about thirty miniutes late."
The Blonde passenger, looked up a bit concerned but returned to reading her magazine. Fifteen minutes after that the pilot once again came on the intercom and said, "I'm sorry to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be about one hour late arriving at our destination."
Blonde Stephanie turned to the man sitting next to her and said, "Boy if that forth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."
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Cruise ship
There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.
Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?"
"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"
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Firebox.com sells all the latest gifts gadgets and gizmos. Everything from R/C helicopters to a USB cassette deck.
Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yzsv5st
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